i have no life.

what's the meaning of life when you've got no freedom, no love, no destiny? it seems like most are treating me like im invisible. heyYO. am NOT a ghost nor a phantom okeyh! i am a human-being for God damn sake. SHOOTS. im just SHATTERED into pieces. my shattered dreams and sweet nightmares beyond me.

seriously, i have NO guts to do things i love. i know rainy days tend to make me feel so sleepy. but that wasnt the reason why ive no guts to do anything. even the smell of my favourite food in the kitchen failed to live me up. why does it have to be me? why not someone who's so vile that even milk could curdle at the sound of him or her. loser!loser!loser!
that word kept playing in my head after being scolded by someone. my life is falling apart.

everything annoyed me when i felt like a round-a-way loser who wasnt going anywhere and had been told by someone i'd spent most of my life torturing myself over. i barely knew what to do with myself except for being a neverending trouble-maker.

*screams* yesterday was intolerable. every nerve ending on my body itched to punch something, eat something or maybe what? go zap someone's hair purple with lime green stripes??? how nuts and crazy am i like that? for one thing i confidently know is that, life is never included of miracles or magic. i mean, no one has the power like the almighty God has for heavens sake! unbelievable. aint a witch nor a wizard! look, even the things i, myself did seemed intolerable. like, WHY DID I EAT RICE WITH CHILLI SAUCE THAT DAY?? and WHY DID I WEAR A JACKET IN MY HOUSE WHILE THE FAN IS SWITCHED ON WHEN ACTUALLY I CAN SWITCH IT OFF?? weird.strange. the last couple of hours had felt suffocating. usually, the hum and familiarity of my neighbourhood and schedule had always given me a great sense of comfort but they now felt so stupid, dum, empty and embarassing the way i imagined that someone[the one who scolded me] saw it all.

and at first, i thought i was wrong. i thought i hadnt open my heart to listen to the truth. i then realised that ive been unfaithful towards them. especially towards someone who's been working so hard to earn money and yet here i am happily playing the computer, not bothering abt what problems im facing.

though as much as i know, maybe im the one to put the blame on. i just thought that if i stop being a trouble-maker then, things will get back to normal. but i still think there's no way to get things back to normal as before. i bet im in for a worser fate. fate does plays it part too right?

im a loser. im a round-the-way LOSER. to the extreme.

even my siblings call me a loser. im no trouble-maker. im just a girl in the 82 street who is silly and dumb and those things everyone call me!! an explanation to why i call myself an extreme loser.

that day, i went to the toilet and i ask myself, "why am i in the toilet? what am i searching for?" and when i walk out towards my room, i ask myself, "where is my clip?" and i sighed to myself. you're a loser nurul. you actually wanted to search for that clip in the toilet. and that scenario includes my forgetful habit. LOSER LOSER.

okeyh nurul. shut up